Everything I ever wanted and everything I enjoyed, lays waste to my soul. It’s all here laid before me, and it’s all for naught. I’m destined to be chronically unhappy. I veer towards an increasing contempt of my decisions, my desires, my way of thinking and my way of being. I am my own worst enemy, and my biggest fan.
I am constantly at odds with myself. There is great love and great hatred of all that I am, all that I will myself to be, and everything I’ve ever been. There is a raging war within me, that I’m sure I will likely lose one day.
I accept the chaos that is me. I embrace the pain, the happiness, the mania, and the enduring cloud above my head. I tread through the relentless craving seducing me to end it all. I cry for myself and I walk on. I will myself forward another day further in the hope of a glimpse of the extraordinary. An extraordinary struggle for an extraordinary life.
When the days are short, and the nights are long, I hold out for the extraordinary. I do whatever it takes to stay alive: another minute, another hour, another day. I’ll stop when my gut tells me to stop and not a minute sooner. My mind can’t be trusted, my feelings are just as erratic, but my gut, my instincts those aren’t defective.
Believe it, or not, I love myself today. I accept the solace I’ve found in the philosophical ramblings of my monologue. There is no peace to be found in others, it’s found in the monologue of your internal ramblings. External factors merely paint the landscape of the path you must take. The journey is as great or as wretched as you let it be.
Happiness is a conscious decision, it’s not a product of your environment. Remember that. I choose happiness, and I’ve also chosen agony because, it’s beautiful in it’s own right. If my internal chaos has taught me anything, it’s that balance must reign. Without agony, happiness would be dim and passionless. I feel so strongly about everything, it’s a blessing and it’s a curse, and it’s me.