I can finally say that the doom and gloom that has mired my existence has slowly begun to fade away. I’m still “depressed”, but I finally believe that the good days will outweigh the bad. I never truly believed it, and I also never truly believed that I could be happy if the circumstances weren’t what I wanted, but I finally do. I’m finally okay with what I have and what I don’t have.
Some days I still wallow in self pity – others I’m exceedingly depressed – and sometimes I’m manic – but in general throughout the many variations of my mood – I’m finally okay. Do I want more from life? Yes, of course. But I’m finally okay with not getting everything I want when I want it. I’ve finally realized that there is always tomorrow to obtain what I want, and life, is not a competition, even if sometimes it feels like it.
I will say – The year has definitely begun on a better note than last year. Last year – I couldn’t even get out of bed without forcing myself. I would sleep 12-16 hours a day & work 8-10 hours a day. I had no life, and no energy. Staying awake was a painful thing to do, but here I am a year later – Doing much better – At least now I sleep normal hours and work normal hours. It’s amazing how big of a difference it makes to not feel tired 24-7, and I don’t mean regular tired – I mean depressed tired – the kind of tired where breathing takes significant effort.
Do you know how hard it is to be so depressed you can’t even function enough to stay awake? Where you feel like being comatose would give you energy? Having people tell me to shake it off – Damn- That shit was hard. You can’t shake that shit off – it’s a chemical imbalance. It’s a sickness that no one can cure – but yet everyone thinks they know how to cure it. Anyway – I got sidetracked – The point is that I feel much better than before. Much better. I don’t have more of anything – I actually have less – But I’m more accepting of where I am at – and the chemicals in my brain are letting me sleep normal hours now.