Did I catch your attention? Cool beans.
Tomorrow I get more meds. I can’t fucking deal.
I don’t actually want more meds. I want to get off them, but if I get off them I’ll do what I truly want and fuck up my finances once more.
I’m so very very fucking miserable. The worse part? I’m so fucking sedated on mood stabilizers & antidepressants that I can’t even feel how miserable I am. You might think that’s the fucking point of these medications, and it is, but do you know how miserable it is to not be able to feel and act on how you feel? I miss my emotions. I miss crying all night long. I miss shouting at the top of my lungs in anger. I miss loving with all my might.
I feel so incredibly empty like I’ve never felt before. I’m spending money left and right trying to fill the void thats opened up.
I can stare at a wall for hours wondering what the fuck I’m doing with my life. I hate my life with all the emotion that’s left in me. I’m so very empty. I miss my emotions. I miss my thoughts. I miss my reactions. I don’t fucking care that they were extreme and persistent. They were mine. I look at photos of me and it’s like I’m looking at a different person.
Every smile is dead and every tear is fake. I can’t feel shit, or who knows, maybe this is how normal people feel shit?
This doesn’t feel right. I rather be disfunctionally emotional then emotionally dead. Every “feeling” feels so miniscule and unimportant. I’m taken over by the desire to run away and never come back. I want to start a new life some place else and do what I want.
I hate that I have to sedate my feelings to function because I need to live a life I hate, doing things I hate. I hate it all. I hate everything about my life. I wish living the life that makes me feel fulfilled wasn’t make believe. I’m not cut out for this society.
God I miss my crazy emotions. I miss me. I miss everything about me. Too bad she’s gone.