Meaningless More

I find myself precariously dancing along the edges of crossroads leading to nowhere.

I find myself hearing words that carry no weight from people I’ll soon forget.

I find myself forgiving their insults and lashing out at myself.

I create a dystopian utopia to envelope my heart.

Where there are smiles there are factors at play: efficiency, neccesity, gains, losses and personality profiles to maintain.

It’s not the strangers at play.

It’s the people who “Love” me.

Built in flaw.

Family.

Advertisements

Feeling Normal

Hi Bloggers,

I’m back. It’s only been like 3 months or something since my last post. Since then I’ve gone into a manic state, I’ve been even more depressed and suicidal and now I’ve started to experience a more normal state of being. The last time I felt any real semblance of normalcy was in July of last year.

JULY…I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since the last time felt “normal” as opposed to depressed or manic. It’s the first time in nearly a year that I’ve been able to feel like I dominate my emotions and not the other way around.

Feeling normal is so damn boring, but you know, it’s boring in a refreshing way. I don’t feel like anything is exceptionally urgent and I don’t feel useless, ugly, depressed or suicidal. I also don’t feel manic.

I’d say, normalcy feels like blissful boredom. No more need to plan a million backup plans, no need to scheme, hide or be depressed. Everything is just blissfully boring in the way I imagine many people experience.

Not a desperate boredom rather a blissful one.

It hasn’t been a year since I experienced happiness, that’s not what I mean. I experience fleeting moments of happiness here and there, but normalcy, a calm in the storm of my emotions, that’s rare.

I miss my old life, but I can’t get it back. It’s gone. The past can’t be relived.

At least for now, there is calm in my soul. The clouds of depression and the racing thoughts of mania stand at bay allowing me a short breath of air.

Relive Again

What is there?

To relive again

 

What is there?

To renew once more

 

Is life not more than a petty struggle?

 

Is it not infinitesimally short?

 

What is there

…Worthy…

Of another go

 

Is it not the beauty that we seek?

And altogether ignore

 

It is not the emotions we idolize?

 

Is it not the utter amazement we left behind?

 

It is not the creativity that slowly died?

 

What is there…To relive once more?

 

Can it be…

That we’ve lost ourselves in the whispers of expectation

In the corners of reprimand

And the disapproving glares?

 

Can it be…

That we’ve sought to line our coffers and bankrupted our soul?

 

Can it be…

That there is something worth reliving?

 

What is there?

 

Meds Galore-Sedated Emotions

Did I catch your attention? Cool beans.

Tomorrow I get more meds. I can’t fucking deal.

I don’t actually want more meds. I want to get off them, but if I get off them I’ll do what I truly want and fuck up my finances once more.

I’m so very very fucking miserable. The worse part? I’m so fucking sedated on mood stabilizers & antidepressants that I can’t even feel how miserable I am. You might think that’s the fucking point of these medications, and it is, but do you know how miserable it is to not be able to feel and act on how you feel? I miss my emotions. I miss crying all night long. I miss shouting at the top of my lungs in anger. I miss loving with all my might.

I feel so incredibly empty like I’ve never felt before. I’m spending money left and right trying to fill the void thats opened up.

I can stare at a wall for hours wondering what the fuck I’m doing with my life. I hate my life with all the emotion that’s left in me. I’m so very empty. I miss my emotions. I miss my thoughts. I miss my reactions. I don’t fucking care that they were extreme and persistent. They were mine. I look at photos of me and it’s like I’m looking at a different person.

Every smile is dead and every tear is fake. I can’t feel shit, or who knows, maybe this is how normal people feel shit?

This doesn’t feel right. I rather be disfunctionally emotional then emotionally dead. Every “feeling” feels so miniscule and unimportant. I’m taken over by the desire to run away and never come back. I want to start a new life some place else and do what I want.

I hate that I have to sedate my feelings to function because I need to live a life I hate, doing things I hate. I hate it all. I hate everything about my life. I wish living the life that makes me feel fulfilled wasn’t make believe. I’m not cut out for this society.

God I miss my crazy emotions. I miss me. I miss everything about me. Too bad she’s gone.

What Lies Beneath

Everyone tells me I sound better.

They say I’m doing much much better and that I’m succesful too.

I tell them I’m not, but that doesn’t matter they want to believe I’m better. No point in arguing against their beliefs. It’s a moot point. They won’t believe me anyway.

I look like I’m doing great from the outside in, but I’m not. I’m worse than I’ve ever been before.

How is that possible? The Meds. The Meds make me look more put together. They take the edge off of wanting help or arguing my point. They make me complacent.

They take away my desire to be understood and replace it with calm internal destruction. I’m still falling apart, but I no longer feel the need to beg for understanding, or help for that matter. I’m left with the calm knowledge that I’m fucked, no point in letting the world know, they can’t do shit for me.

I’m a functioning member of society now. That’s why people think I’m doing great, but I’m not. Why? Because I’m not feeling my feelings, I’m not doing what I love and I’m not living. I’m going through every damn motion pretending to be alive, when I’ve already subconsciously given up.

I’m a zombie. I wake up work, work some more, wish I could relax, go to sleep and repeat the same damn cycle every day.

This isn’t living, this is hell on earth. I can see why some people become suicidal on meds. It’s not that they don’t calm you down. They do. They leave you so calm in fact that you dissect every aspect of your life with perfect composure and then, when you find you’re fucked, with that same composure you choose to end the cycle. It becomes so unbelievably rational because you’re composed, and calm and it looks like the perfect way out. It’s not rash it’s planned and well thoughtout.

So, I’m not okay. I’m worse than I’ve ever been before because I no longer fight for what I want and I no longer care. Before I looked like I was extremely unstable because my moods and emotions were extreme, but they were mine and they were there because I was fighting for what I wanted. Now? I don’t fight for what I want. I wake up alone every day and I don’t fucking care. I’ve stopped caring that I don’t have love and that I’m not feeling fulfilled. I just go through the motions day and after day, but really I’m long since dead.

Everything I stand for, everything I believe, and everything I love is gone. I’m left with nothing but the motions of life.

I go through the motions and thats why I look better than ever. I’m no longer fighting society, or fighting for love or anything for that matter.

These Meds.

They left me perfectly docile and complacent. I’m going through the motions because that’s all I have. Everything else is gone and getting off the meds will only show the world what’s hidden inside.

So, I’m not okay, I’m worse than before, but that doesn’t matter. Nothing matters, all I have are the motions.

I’m perfectly complacent and docile. The extremes are still there but no one can see them.

It’s a false calm within the storm.

 

Mental Capacity-Work

Today I want to talk about my mental capacity.

No, I’m not here to say that I’m some genius.

No, I’m here to say that I’ve realized that I don’t think I can use my mental capacity within my profession.

Now don’t get me wrong it’s not that I am incapable. I am very capable. I joined my current job working 2 hours per week on a temp basis, within two weeks I was working 20 hours a week, and a week after that I was working full time.

Not long after that, I was promoted to a higher capacity within the company. I am the right hand of the company owner, and the CEO. I’ve only been working at the company for a few months, but I’ve managed to grow quickly.

I work between 40-60 hour weeks. I don’t have any days off most weeks.

I manage the company finances, scheduling, event planning, the creation of company newsletters, and customer service. Alongside the CEO I basically run the company from the ground up.

I am extremely capable and I have a strong work ethic; however, I am losing my mind at my current job. I hate my job with a profound passion. I make good money and I get to network with very high earning people, but that doesn’t matter. I’m losing my mind.

Why do I hate my job? Because I’m not allowed to work in peace. As soon as I fix one thing within the company I’m tossed some new thing to fix or handle. I don’t have a single moment to breath easy. My job is extremely stressfull.

Honestly I don’t get paid enough for all that I do, and even if I did I would still hate it. I can’t cope with the stress and anxiety. I am quite simply losing my mind.

So, that brings me back at full circle. I can’t use my mental capacity for my profession. I long for the days spent watching children, working retail jobs and leisurely making pottery.

I already have a fucked up brain, I can’t cope with a stressful highly demanding job as well. I mean sure I can do it, but at the cost of my already deteriorating mental health.

Whats $4-10K a month when life is dull and depressing and keeping you always on edge.

The money isn’t worth my sanity. Working sunrise to to sunset just isn’t worth it.

At least a physically laborous job would give my mind hours of rest. As I am now my mind never gets any rest. I count the days until the weekend when my bosses are off work so I can work in peace.

Oh what an odious life I live. Always strung out on anxiety, depression and sleep deprivation.

I just want to run away from my life & there isn’t enough medication in the world to change my unhappiness due to work.

I even get calls and surprise spur of the moment job requests that need to be done within minutes for work at 8 and 9pm. Nothing is sacred anymore.

I’m losing my mind…..

 

Why? One Trigger

So today, I’m pissed. I’m pissed because the one thing I ask people not to say is the one phrase they can’t help but say, It’s all in your head.

So help me, I fucking hate that bloody sentence with a passion. My whole life I’ve heard this sentence from my parents and from friends and well everyone else as well.

It’s in your head triggers a rage inside of me like no other. When I was younger this phrase fucked me up good. I thought my struggles weren’t real. I thought I wasn’t deserving of any help. Why would I need help if it’s all in my head? I’m making it up. I’m a horrible person who is making up stories for attention. My struggles aren’t real.

Ha, yeah that phrase really fucked me up. Now that I’m older it just makes me angry beyond reason, why? Because this phrase demeans my struggle to a mere imaginary struggle.

The connotations that follow from the sentence “It’s all in your head” are not nice.

The sentence ” It’s all in your head” implies the person is making it up, being dramatic or crazy.  Either way you look it the negative connotations that come from the phrase “It’s all in your head” are not cool.

My mother says, “It’s all in your head”, so often that it doesn’t even register in her mind as offensive. To her saying “It’s all in your head” is like saying “I’m tired”. She uses this phrase for absolutely every situation I may find myself in.

Is the food too spicy for me? Are my lips on fire? Nah, according to my mom “It’s all in my head”.

Am I really cold? Is it chilly outside? Nah, It’s all in my head.

Am I tired? Nah, It’s all in my head.

Every single bloody situation in which I find myself warrants the response “It’s all in your head”.

Now, am I being overly sensitive? You bet I am, your damn right I’m being overly sensitive, but I have a good reason. This phrase broke me 10 times over growing up. It took me years to realize I needed help and that it wasn’t just in my head. This phrase implies that nothing that I feel, perceive or think is real, and to make it worse I hear this bloody phrase every damn day multiple times a day.

I’ve explained to my mother over and over that saying that phrase sets me off. I’ve explained how that phrase has harmed my mental health and how it triggers me into blind anger, and you know what? She doesn’t fucking care. The woman still says it to me all the fucking time, but she doesn’t say it to anyone else. I have never heard her say that to anyone growing up or now. It’s a phrase specifically set aside for me which only makes me that much angrier.

So, that’s it for today. I don’t have anything philosophical or wise to say, or even interesting for that matter.

Today I just wanted to share my trigger phrase.

That’s it for now folks.