Plans Don’t Always Work

I’m staring at another empty screen. Just minutes before hoping on my computer, I thought of everything I wanted to say, and now it’s gone.

My move to Germany has been difficult to say the least. Nothing went according to plan and well… I’m not certain what to do. A new opportunity back in the states has cropped up and I’m tempted to take it. Not because I really want to leave, but because it’s easier. I’m reminded once more that the path less traveled is – well – bloody difficult – .

I need to talk to the friends who helped me come over to study here in Germany to see what they think, but I’m a coward and I don’t know how to start the conversation.

I mean – what do I say?

Thanks for footing the bill for my education, thanks for helping me, but I don’t think I can do this after all. Do I just up and leave when I gave my word that I’d help them raise their daughter since they have no family here?

I mean it wouldn’t be the end of the word. I’m sure they could find a nanny to help them and be done with things, but… They’ve treated me better than my own family. How do I let them down?

From the outside in, it looks like I haven’t taken my language studies seriously, but I’ve been doing my best. 😭 My best just doesn’t seem to be good enough. My teachers are awful (really mean), I don’t have enough time in the day to study, and I’m running a serious sleep deficit. I’m always so tired and I get sick all the time. By the time the weekend rolls around I sleep every chance I get.

The guilt of being subpar. The guilt of considering leaving is killing me.

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