I’m back. It’s only been like 3 months or something since my last post. Since then I’ve gone into a manic state, I’ve been even more depressed and suicidal and now I’ve started to experience a more normal state of being. The last time I felt any real semblance of normalcy was in July of last year.
JULY…I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since the last time felt “normal” as opposed to depressed or manic. It’s the first time in nearly a year that I’ve been able to feel like I dominate my emotions and not the other way around.
Feeling normal is so damn boring, but you know, it’s boring in a refreshing way. I don’t feel like anything is exceptionally urgent and I don’t feel useless, ugly, depressed or suicidal. I also don’t feel manic.
I’d say, normalcy feels like blissful boredom. No more need to plan a million backup plans, no need to scheme, hide or be depressed. Everything is just blissfully boring in the way I imagine many people experience.
Not a desperate boredom rather a blissful one.
It hasn’t been a year since I experienced happiness, that’s not what I mean. I experience fleeting moments of happiness here and there, but normalcy, a calm in the storm of my emotions, that’s rare.
I miss my old life, but I can’t get it back. It’s gone. The past can’t be relived.
At least for now, there is calm in my soul. The clouds of depression and the racing thoughts of mania stand at bay allowing me a short breath of air.