Bipolar To Stay

Here is a truth rarely acknowledged, but nonetheless true. No matter what I do, where I am or who I am with, I am chronically “unhappy”, I’m depressed. The truth of the matter is that I am sick and no amount of sugar coating is going to change that. I can’t snap out of it and I won’t outgrow it. There is a part of me that will always veer towards depression, anxiety, and mania.

I can change my circumstances, but I can’t change my brain. I can only work with the clay I’ve been given…

As much as it pains me to admit it… There will continue to be days when I feel like my soul can’t go on. There will be days when I am inexplicably tired no matter what I do, and there isn’t much I can do. In the end, all that I can do, is persevere.  That’s all that is under my control. I either get back up and keep trying or I give up.

This realization is sad, and it shatters me, but it’s the truth. My world is mired in anxiety, paranoia, depression and mania. This is my reality, normalcy is simply a passing stranger I asked over for tea.

I’m so inexplicably tired. Inside my soul is so tired.


I cry because…

I don’t want to be this way…

I silently cry because there is no one to hear me. No one to hold me and no one to comfort me.

I tried my hardest to be normal and it broke me. So here I am crying for a career that ended just as it had begun.

  • I cry for my efforts and those that saw through them as though they weren’t there.
  • I cry because I wanted to be normal for once.
  • I cry because I’ve lost it and it wasn’t my choice. Why does anyone think it is?
  • I cry because I’m sorry that your profit impedes you from having a heart and empathy.
  • I cry because this is my life.
  • I cry because deep down inside I’m still waiting for someone to save me.
  • I cry because I can. I’m so tired I didn’t think I’d have the energy to cry yet here I am.
  • I cry because I keep hoping happiness is just around the corner.
  • I cry because all I have is hope that maybe one Day life won’t be this way.
  • I cry because for some unknown reason I’m so damn sensitive.

I’m sorry

Remembering Dreams of Another Day

I dreamt of you last night. 

It was like you’d never gone. I felt so inexplicably safe again. You held me and I fell asleep in your arms. My strong front tumbled, and my caution disappeared. With you by my side I embraced my vulnerability. I woke up and you were still there. I was sure, that reality was then, but we spent the day together…and I woke up again… This time without you.

So much time has passed… and I still love you.

Do you ever miss me?

Do you ever ponder what we could’ve been? What we could’ve done…together?

I suppose I could ask you, You’re not dead, but we both deserve better.

Thank you, for that moment of peace, in my ever chaotic life. I won’t ever be by your side again, and that’s okay. It was nice to see you again, even if it was in my dreams.

I used to be so angry, and then I was depressed, and I’m sorry. We don’t choose who we love or when we fall out of love, I understand that now. 

I finally understand and believe that I don’t need to take a flower with me to love it just the same. 

One day, I’ll find my life partner. I’m not sure when, but I’m not in a rush. Love is a bonus, it’s not the goal. So thank you for the bonus.

Nothing is promised and nothing is fair – That’s life. I’m blessed for all of the love that I’ve had and all the strength that’s been lent to me on this journey.

Life: A Continuum of Change

Life is a continuum of change. It’s not the big changes that change our lives, it’s the small insignificant changes that go unnoticed.

I’ve spent my entire life in search of adventure, passion, growth and change, and I’d never realized it was the small changes that have made the biggest impact in my life.

My parents divorce didn’t change me, losing trust in my father, gradually losing touch with my siblings, that’s what changed me. It’s the gradual changes that have the biggest impact.

Losing the love of my life? Being told I’m not the love of his life? That was okay, it felt earth shattering, but really it wasn’t. I’d love again one day.  You know what did impact me in ways I never knew? Not having him around, to read to me when I’m stressed, and not spending my nights philosophizing with him. The key aspects of who I was with him and who I ceased to be without him, those changed me, those impacted me, and I never gave them a moment of thought.

I thought a prince charming would save me, but you know what did save me?

  • Being cognizant of my triggers
  • Learning to be patient
  • Cutting out negative people from my life
  • Learning when to speak up and when to stay quite

You see, like everyone, I had to fall quite a few times, before realizing that life is always changing, it just changes so gradually that we hardly recognize it. I THINK that the small changes make the biggest impact in WHO I AM because they change me so gradually that I don’t even notice it. For better or worse, I’m hardly the person I once was, and that’s okay, because life is about growth, it’s a journey full of pain, struggle, happiness, and triumph. Remember life is a continuum of change.

My Nameless Faceless Love

I saw you — from the corner of my eye in the future I’ve yet to experience.

I saw you in my dreams and I remembered you in my times of need.  I envisioned all you’d do and the love I’d feel when seeing you. You are my nameless faceless love. My ever arriving partner.

Will you ever get here?

I’m not sure, but I keep holding on to the hope that you’re out there — somewhere — wondering where I am. Perhaps spending a sleepless night or two missing me, without having yet met me.

I keep dreaming of how you’ll be, and I’m probably doing you a disservice. I’m likely turning you into a fantasy rather than recollecting a human being, but alas, I’ve no choice but to weave my own tales for my grip on you is fading.

You aren’t here, and you might never arrive, but I need you, even if it’s just my own fantasy version of you. I need to lean on you, I need to spill my heart out and I need to think you’re out there somewhere. I can’t give up on you because giving up on you is giving up on me.

To give up on the hope that you’ll arrive is to admit that no one will ever love me, and that no one will ever stay.

Everyone always leaves

I’m never good enough

But perhaps you’re out there somewhere. Perhaps you wish you could find me just as bad as I wish I could find you. Perhaps our paths have been parallel thus far, but maybe further down the line they’ll join.


Just Perhaps…We need to wait a little longer.

It’s possible that you might never arrive.

It’s possible that you don’t exist, but it’s also just as possible that your searching for me too.

So — I’ll keep seeing you in my dreams and holding your spot in my heart — warm and ready. I’ll keep holding on while my rollercoaster life takes me through it’s spins — In the hope, that one day you’ll stumble into my life. In the hope that one day, I’ll know what it feels like to love and be loved truly and genuinely.

Opportunity & Family

What is it about opportunity that makes us jump with glee and tremble in fear? The juxtaposition of the contrasting feelings creating waves of adrenaline within us. What is it about the new that washes over us with a befitting respect for all that’s been had, causing us to pause, to deliberate and on occasion to stay back in the old and familiar.

I can satiate my hunger and my passion, but I’ll have to leave my mother behind. It breaks my heart. We live at odds, but I don’t know what I’d do if she were gone. We’ve finally found a middle ground and it feels selfish to move along leaving her alone. I wish my success and my dreams didn’t cause her equal loneliness. She puts up a brave front, but I know she misses having family around. What to do? I don’t know… I wish I did.

Philosophical Mumblings

I sit here lucidly dreaming of another day, a different day when life is more along the lines of what I’ve always dreamed. I truly believe that to venture forth another step forward in a new direction you must take a step back from your current heading. It is nothing less than terrifying, and you will undeniably wonder if you’ve made the right decision. Sometimes paths cross, and others they deviate, and when that happens you have to pick one and run with it.

Life is scary with it’s endless posibilities and your finite amount of time. It is a daunting endeavor whatever direction it is that you choose. If you are like me; with dreams as wide and varied at the cosmos you may deliberate a little too often and a little too deeply.

I want to swallow the world whole, there is an ever increasing array of dreams and goals, that quite frankly make my head spin.

I sometimes dream of other lives and they feel just as real as this one. My nightly dreams provide an endless supply of new endeavors, new dreams, new challenges, new passions, and new thoughts. I am hardly the person I once was, and yet, I embody her more with every passing moment.

Today, I light a fire under the passions that have laid dormant in me for the past year. I’ll try harder, I’ll believe more truly, and I’ll never let go of everything I once was, and everything I’ve ever been. I’ll pick one and run with it.

Sort of Better – Less Depressed

I can finally say that the doom and gloom that has mired my existence has slowly begun to fade away. I’m still “depressed”, but I finally believe that the good days will outweigh the bad. I never truly believed it, and I also never truly believed that I could be happy if the circumstances weren’t what I wanted, but I finally do. I’m finally okay with what I have and what I don’t have.

Some days I still wallow in self pity – others I’m exceedingly depressed – and sometimes I’m manic – but in general throughout the many variations of my mood – I’m finally okay. Do I want more from life? Yes, of course. But I’m finally okay with not getting everything I want when I want it. I’ve finally realized that there is always tomorrow to obtain what I want, and life, is not a competition, even if sometimes it feels like it.

I will say – The year has definitely begun on a better note than last year. Last year – I couldn’t even get out of bed without forcing myself. I would sleep 12-16 hours a day & work 8-10 hours a day. I had no life, and no energy. Staying awake was a painful thing to do, but here I am a year later – Doing much better – At least now I sleep normal hours and work normal hours. It’s amazing how big of a difference it makes to not feel tired 24-7, and I don’t mean regular tired – I mean depressed tired – the kind of tired where breathing takes significant effort.

Do you know how hard it is to be so depressed you can’t even function enough to stay awake? Where you feel like being comatose would give you energy? Having people tell me to shake it off – Damn- That shit was hard. You can’t shake that shit off – it’s a chemical imbalance. It’s a sickness that no one can cure – but yet everyone thinks they know how to cure it. Anyway – I got sidetracked – The point is that I feel much better than before. Much better. I don’t have more of anything – I actually have less – But I’m more accepting of where I am at – and the chemicals in my brain are letting me sleep normal hours now.